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Mindful
as ever of the lack of actual political debate, or
at least political debate that transcends the usual
dirge of the sectarian divide, you would be forgiven
for being shocked to hear that there is an election
here in little over two weeks time.
Indeed if were not for the Keystone Cop antics of
some parties in the process of what they pass as electioneering,
then most of this forthcoming poll may well have passed
us by altogether.
Of
course it may have already passed thousands of us
by considering the failure of a substantial proportion
of the electorate to actually register to vote at
all.
The
failure of so many to register could be attributed
to various factors. Highly placed amongst these of
course is the normal percentage of political apathy,
heartily reinforced this time around by the popular
perception that nothing ever changes anyway. This
time it truly won’t change anything at all. This
is simply because whoever we elect won’t be going
back into Stormont, straight away at least.
Other
equally important considerations are that a mid-week
November election will impinge directly on late night
Xmas shopping, and the demands of children to see
Santa at the local shopping complex will be the only
producer of long queues to contribute to a poll this
month.
This will be the North Pole of course!
I
have been unable however to substantiate the rumours
that Sinn Fein have been unable to get Lapland’s
greatest export banned from the north over allegations
that Santa is a “sticky”. The NIO have allegedly
said that just because he dresses in bright red is
not proof that the Workers Party have engaged in a
cunning brainwashing communist plot against little
children.
To test the strength of these allegations a panel
of educational psychologists questioned a sample of
these kids. They concluded not a single boy or girl
replied, “…. A thirty two county socialist
and democratic republic with unfettered control of
the means of production…. . ” when they
were asked what they wanted for Christmas.
Since we have apparently engaged in a monumental display
of apathy towards the upcoming election various parties
have taken it upon themselves to bring their election
messages directly to us in a mixture of modes of transport.
Foremost
amongst of these of course is the DUP “battlebus”,
sporting a £400 number plate bearing V 123 DUP.
This is of course designed to remind us that we should
vote 1, 2 and 3 for the DUP. So that’s proportional
representation by D’Hondt and presumbably engine
by Vauxhall. Given the DUP leaders religious leanings
we can only presume the bus tyres are the sleek new
sulphur based brimstone hellfires, made by Firestone
of course. Apparently these were chosen over the Pirelli
models because of the overtly “Roman” associations.
Although, denying Italian involvement in the manufacture
of Peter Robinson’s suits may prove a more difficult
matter entirely. More importantly were the suits paid
for in Euros I wonder? Yet Peter the Euro does not
have the same ring to it as Peter the Punt. (Note
to the typesetter, do not make any mistakes here for
God’s sake!)
Jane
Maurice of the Women’s Coalition has taken to
the roads in a Morris Minor. In a devilishly clever
play on her name and the name of the car, Jane has
beguiled us, together with the luminous party posters
a la Andy Warhol. It was Warhol who prophesised about
everyone having their fifteen minutes of fame. I still
have no idea about the policies of the Women’s
Coalition, but I have come to realise that fifteen
minutes can be a very long time
indeed. And this was after someone reminded me that
the party political broadcasts only actually last
five minutes.
SDLP
leader Mark Durkan did not appear to fussed about
his method of transport at all. But then again Mark
never seems to arrive at any decisive point anyway.
Rather he chose to mount an elevated cherry picker
platform to deliver a pre-election speech. This is
at last conclusive proof that the charismatically
challenged one is not half the man his predecessor
John Hume was. Hume never needed to get on a cherry
picker to deliver pearls of political wisdom as his
ego alone was enough to ensure he gazed down upon
us all equally from a great height.
As
for that other Derry based candidate Eamon McCann,
it is rumoured that he will take to the hustings via
the great waterways of our fair statelet. Eager as
always to present an ecologically friendly front,
a spokesman for McCann’s umbrella political vehicle,
the Socialist Environmental Alliance, contended that
no boat will be required to facilitate travelling,
as Eamon can walk on water!
So to the “Simply British” party the UUP.
The latest in their series of spectacularly backfiring
posters was unveiled this week.
This
was a red coloured Mini car sporting a Union Jack
roof.
It
has since been pointed out to the UUP that the Mini
was originally designed by a Turk and is now manufactured
in Germany. Now is that “Simply British”
or just plain old simple?
If
I were a UUP officer I would start investigating the
notion of an IRA spy ring at their advertising agency,
before “Simply British” becomes an epilogue
as opposed to a current slogan and Trimble ends up
selling his fish and chips from the back of the Mini
to make ends meet. I would be tempted to swap a winning
lottery ticket to see that fantasy become reality.
The bleak outlook of the PUP’s party political
video reveals a wasteland in East Belfast. No transport
theme here at all, except the burnt out shells of
cars that smoulder in the streets below the now rusting
shipyard cranes Samson and Goliath. There is no substance
to the allegation however that when the filming for
the video was over Ervine got into his second hand
Jaguar and got the hell out of the area. The “Jag”was
supposed to have one previous not so very careful
owner. It was some guy called John White, who had
to leave Belfast very quickly this summer and who
now appears to favour travelling on Irish ferries
with a large entourage for company instead of the
four wheeled method of transport.
The
notion of Gerry Kelly as a prospective future Minister
Policing and Justice may want to make the big lad
reconsider upgrading his own transport in the near
future. Considering the salivating rabidity of Peter
Robinson’s attack on him on last Sunday’s
BBC1 “Politics Show” for no apparent reason
other than the fact that Kelly was in the same room.
I think Gerry would be as well to enlist the services
of the gentleman who shunts people around west Belfast
in the back of the decommissioned British Army Saracen
and charges them for the priviledge. According to
Robinson, Kelly would be right at home there anyway.
Ok,
that’s it. I think I have given everyone that
matters an equal lacing. What’s that you say?
I have forgotten about The Alliance Party. Listen
here, I said everyone that matters!
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