The Blanket

So Sorry It Hurts


The Panopticon newsroom has just received this creative and imaginative statement from the SIRA (full text of statement follows):

The Sorry IRA would like to take this opportunity to issue a heartfelt apology to all people in Ireland and abroad who have ever died and also to comrades around the world who have ever supported them.

The reality of the situation is that the Sorry IRA never meant to do any harm to anyone and hopes that this statement will be taken in the spirit of peace, love and fluffy bunnies that it is intended.

What has to be understood is that in the context of the present realities is that the Sorry IRA is very sorry indeed but cannot condemn anyone else for being sorry although it is clear that being sorry is the only alternative that is left open.

The Sorry IRA recognises that this will cause difficulties with some elements of its organisation but hopes that the cute little puppies being given out to many of its members will help make the present strategic imperative understood.

There is no alternative to being sorry other than to not be sorry which clearly the Sorry IRA is incapable of being.


Apologetic P O Neill
Sorry GHQ

The Even More Sorry Sinn Fein Party has also issued an apologetic statement this afternoon, supporting the apology given by the Sorry IRA while at the same time asserting that the Sorry IRA is fully capable of speaking for themselves and that the Even More Sorry Sinn Fein party is not connected to the Sorry IRA in any way whatsoever. An Even More Sorry Sinn Fein spokesman said, "My understanding is that this is a genuine expression of regret and has nothing whatsoever to do with any present difficulties our party may be facing in this peace process. You have to understand I am clearly saying that the reality of the situation is that the Sorry IRA is its own organisation and will do what it likes when it likes and has nothing to do with us. We are, however, sorry for this and would like to take this opportunity to apologise profusely for being unable to speak for the Sorry IRA."

Rumours are circulating that a new splinter group has emerged, the so-called, self-styled "Bronach na hEireann" or Really Really Sorry IRA. They claim to be the only truly sorry republican organisation as none of their operations have ever gone as planned. They say this legacy was handed down to them by none other than Lt. General Tim O'Sorry, who proclaimed them the standard bearers of the sorrow of Ireland for all time to come. This proclamation can be found for sale in a book in the Really Really Sorry Artshop, £5.99 or £15.99 on special for American tourists.

The Panopticon has learned that in an historic interview yesterday on the BBC, Gerry Adams, MP, MLA, made a courageous and imaginative declaration which included an unprecedented and wholly unexpected apology.

Mr Adams said: "While it was not my intention to mislead anyone, the reality is that on this and on a number of other occasions, that was the consequence of my actions.

The future will not be found in denying individual failures and mistakes or closing minds and hearts to the plight of those who have been hurt by believing anything that I may have or may not have said at any point in time.

It will not be achieved by asking all the time whether I have been a member of the IRA. I have never been a member of the IRA, and I unreservedly apologise for anyone having ever believed that I was at any time a member of the IRA.

I want to especially apologise to those who have gone before us, such as my former comrades Sean Mac Stiofan and Seamus Twomey, with whom I shared only a handful of helicopter rides, although I do not want to create a hierarchy of victims, as there have been many people who have believed I was a member of the IRA down through the years. It is important that any IRA volunteers and their families who have been hurt by my lies know that their pain is understood and that they can take comfort in my understanding of their loss.

The process of conflict resolution requires the equal acknowledgement of the grief and loss of others. On this anniversary, I am endeavouring to fulfil this responsibility to those I have hurt.

I once again unreservedly and wholeheartedly apologise to anyone who ever thought I may have had any connection whatsoever to the IRA. I state today clearly and unequivocally that I was never a member of the IRA, and it is a bit rich for anyone to continue to suggest that I was.

I am committed unequivocally to the search for freedom, justice and peace in Ireland. I remain totally committed to the peace process and to dealing with the challenges and difficulties which this presents. This includes the acceptance of past mistakes and of the hurt and pain I have caused to others."

Meanwhile, PC Storey was overheard in Ardoyne recently speaking at a meeting of the Sinn Fein Youth. He was explaining the new revolutionary techniques being implemented in the transition to a United Ireland, which includes the transformation of the PSNI. It is understood by Panopticon many members of Sinn Fein Youth are expected to join the PSNI in the future, and are taking preliminary training sessions given by PCs Storey, Wilson and Kelly.

This is what PC Storey, wearing dark glasses during the presentation for some inexplicable reason which had nothing to do with the black eye he began sporting after recent riots, had to say to the youth of Ardoyne: "We are employing revolutionary new back door technology to the policing situation. This means that you will be seeing myself, PCs Wilson and Kelly acting exactly like members of the PSNI but without the recognised uniform. This is all part of the transition to the transition to the transition to a United Ireland, which you should be very proud to be taking part in. What this means is that we enter the police force using the back door, i.e., we act like cops before we actually are the cops, and the political establishment we are transforming do not know we have actually become part of them until it is too late. By the time we are able to use the front door we are already inside. This technology was hard come by after collectively spending years inside already and if anyone says anything against it we will employ some back door tactics that will leave you legless. Do I make myself clear?"

When asked for comment David Trimble declined, saying that he had no intentions of giving away state secrets on how to housetrain republicans.

N.B. PC is understood to mean 'Provisional Constable'

Lastly all rumours currently circulating regarding a certain member of Brigade Staff being stood down because of rampant corruption have been found to be untrue. This is so because in order to stand down any one member of Brigade Staff for corruption, all members of Brigade Staff would have to sell their jeeps, decline their "clothing allowance", cancel their holidays, close all relatives' "business enterprises" and have their big bay windows taken out first. It is understood that none of the Brigade Staff were willing to do so and so no one has been stood down.





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At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.
- Eric Idle


22 July 2002


Other Articles From This Issue:


Systemic Breakdown

Anthony McIntyre


Opportunity Knocks, or Not?

Davy Carlin


Nothing Left
Eoghan O'Suilleabhain


On Behalf of the Republican Peace Movement...
Brian Mór


Once Upon A Time

Brian Mór

Sorry, Shergar
Brian Mór


So Sorry It Hurts



19 July 2002


The Sorry Truth

Anthony McIntyre


Neutral Environment?

Billy Mitchell


Sectarianism and How It Can Be Fought
Hazel Croft


Support Irish Glass Bottle Workers




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