Once
upon a time in a land far, far away there lived
a wizard who had such magical powers that everyone
who met him was in great awe of what he could
do. The wizard's name was 'Thebigeffort' and he
was tall and wore a long straggly beard that reached
down to his knees. He lived in a big cave deep
in the middle of the dark forest where he was
guarded night and day by hundreds of goblins whose
leader, 'Bigbobby', so loved the wizard that there
wasn't anything he wouldn't do for him.
The
wizard was also loved by his people who were known
as the 'Chuckies'. For many years the kingdom
of the 'Chuckies' had been taken over by a strange
people from a distant island who had stolen their
land, lived off their crops and slept in their
houses. These people were called the 'Blue Nose'
tribe and they were really, really horrible to
the 'Chuckies'. The 'Blue Nose' tribe knew they
could be beastly to the 'Chuckies' because they
had powerful friends in an even more distant land
who would give them gold coins, and swords and
bows and arrows to kill the 'Chuckies' whenever
they wanted to. The 'Blue Noses' friends were
known as 'TheBrits' and some people in 'Chuckieland'
believed that they and the 'Blue Nose' tribe had
once lived together in the same forest.
What
the 'Blue Noses' really like doing was to parade
through 'Chuckieland' banging big drums to scare
all the baby 'Chuckies' while singing songs that
made fun of the 'Chuckies' red hair and freckles.
They did that whenever they could and that would
really make the 'Chuckies' angry. Sometimes they
would get so angry they would throw rocks at the
'Blue Noses' and a big fight would start which
would always end with the 'Chuckies' getting black
eyes and broken bones.
One
day 'Thebigeffort' walked to the edge of the forest
to see what the the 'Blue Noses' were doing to
his people. Everywhere 'Thebigeffort' went he
was followed by his faithful dwarves, 'Bigted',
'Pennies', 'Liamog' and 'Godslittlehelper' who
would always tell him how clever and brave he
was. Whenever 'Thebigeffort' would say something
like, "Its a lovely sunny day today",
'Bigted', Pennies', 'Liamog' and 'Godslittlehelper'
would cry out together: "Of course its a
lovely sunny day, today! What a wise and shrewd
wizard you are!" And 'Thebigeffort' would
smile and be happy.
That
day though the dwarves were anxious and worried.
"It is so dangerous at the edge of woods"
'Bigted' told the wizard, "that if the 'Blue
Noses' see you they will kill you. Everyone knows
that of all the people in 'Chuckieland' the 'Blue
Noses' hate the wizards most."
"Don't
worry", replied 'Thebigeffort'. "I shall
work my most powerful magic on them. I will tell
them I am not and have never been a wizard and
they will believe me".
And
so with that, 'Thebigeffort' and his faithful
dwarves made their way to the edge of the forest.
And
what a terrible sight greeted them! Everywhere
they looked the 'Chuckies' were being tortured
and tormented by the 'Blue Noses'. Their favourite
vexation was to line the 'Chuckies' up in rows
and ask each one of them in turn what school they
went to, or what was their first name or which
part of the forest they lived in. The worst torture
of all was when they were asked to say the letter
'H'. And no matter what answer the 'Chuckies'
gave they were immediately dispatched to the same
dreadful place, called 'The Dole' where they were
given only bread and water to eat and straw to
sleep on.
"What
is happening to my people!?" cried 'Thebigeffort'.
"Why do they not rise up and throw off the
yoke of these evil 'Blue Noses'"?
"But
master", replied 'Bigted', "do you not
know that your people have striven this score
of years and fifteen to expel the 'Blue Noses'
from their midst? But each time that victory beckoned,
'TheBrits' sent more armies to put them down.
'Bigbobby' has even stolen their gold coin from
their deepest, most northerly vaults and learned
their darkest secrets while the King of the Goblins,
'The Slab' travelled to faroff lands to bring
back ships full of rocks to throw at them. But
to no avail. The 'Blue Nose' tribe is too large
to overcome."
"Then
I shall go to the top of the mountain", said
'Thebigeffort' "where I shall meditate and
converse with my ancestors. Then I will decide
what my people should do."
And
so 'Thebigeffort' travelled across deserts and
jungle, through snow and ice and waded wide, deep
rivers for many days until he came to the holy
mountain known as 'Clonard' where finally he rested,
slept and dreamed deeply. For seven days he meditated
and for seven night he slept and dreamed.
In
each dream the same figure, clad in black from
head to toe with a belt of beads tied around his
waist appeared and said the same words. "My
name is 'Fralec'", said the figure. "Go
back to the 'Blue Noses' and offer them peace
and friendship. And as a token of your goodwill
give them all the rocks that 'The Slab' has hidden
in the forest to throw at the 'Blue Noses' and
they shall embrace you and make peace with the
'Chuckies' forever."
'Thebigeffort'
pondered deeply on the words spoken in his dream
and when the seven days had ended he travelled
back to 'Chuckieland'. The faithful dwarves squealed
in delight to see him back amongst them and when
the wizard told them of his dreams, they cried
out aloud: "Oh, what a wise one our wizard
is! This truly is the way to end the tyranny the
'Blue Noses' have forced on our people!"
And they joined hands, danced and sang throughout
the night.
The
very next day, 'Thebigeffort', his faithful dwarves,
the goblins and their leaders, 'Bigbobby' and
'The Slab' journeyed to the edge of the forest.
When they had reached there the wizard called
out in a loud voice: "Blue Noses. I wish
to speak to your leader! Send him out so we can
talk and make peace."
From
the far distance came a deep booming voice: "My
name is 'Bigian'. I am the leader of the 'Blue
Noses' What do you want?"
And
the Wizard replied: "Our two peoples have
fought too long. Much blood has been shed and
for nought. It is time to make peace. If you will
share 'Chuckieland' with us we will put all our
rocks beyond use and the sun will rise upon a
new dispensation, one that will be a transitional
stage to paradise. Will you agree?!!"
"I
have heard the wily words of wizards who say they
aren't wizards many times before and I do not
believe them", replied 'Bigian'. "You
say you will put your rocks beyond use but you
will not let us see that happen nor will you let
our high priests bear witness. Only one thing
will satisfy my people. Here I have a vest made
of sackcloth and on the floor some ashes piled
in a heap. Put you on the sackcloth and roll in
the ashes and my people will believe you."
"Never!",
roared 'Thebigeffort', his nostrils flaring, mask
slipping and eyes flashing. From deep within his
cloak he withdrew a wand made of a magic substance
called 'Votes'. "This is the wand called
'The Great Ballot Box'", he cried. "Withdraw
your demand or my wand will destroy you!"
"Do
your worst, wizard", shouted 'Bigian'.
With
that 'Thebigeffort' waved 'The Great Ballot Box'
wand and in a flash of emerald green, 'Bigian'
and all the 'Blue Noses' disappeared, never to
be seen again.
When
they saw what had happened the 'Chuckies' let
out a great cry of joy and they lifted the Wizard
on to their shoulders and carried him aloft, singing
songs of victory and triumph. They carried the
Wizard to the highest spot in the land, a place
known as 'Phoenix Park', and there they left him
to live the rest of his life in pleasant contentment.
And as for the 'Chuckies' they lived happily ever
after.
And
if you believe this fairy tale, you'll believe
anything!
